Caretaking & Co-Dependency

Build your relationships first….then your dentistry. ~ Bob Barkley

Caretaking & Co-Dependency

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Co-dependency is represented by a group of behaviors which can either cause -or lead us into- unhealthy relationships with others. And the level of co-dependency present varies from one patient to the next. To better visualize this issue, imagine dependency existing on a behavioral continuum, with minimal dependency represented on the right side under the word “Caregiving” and maximal dependency on the left side under the word “Care-taking”:

Care-taking <———-> Caregiving
Dependent -Co-dependent -Interdependent

When we are mostly Caretaking, we are in a some form of a dependency relationship. When we are mostly in Caregiving mode, we are functioning mostly out of an INTERdependent relationship, where responsibilities and ownership are much more co-equal.

In reality, we can both Caretake and Caregive at the same time, with one behavior being more dominant than the other depending on the area of a relationship. And historically, we are somewhat used-to, if not expectant of –  a dependency relationship with a highly educated doctor. But the internet and other broad cultural changes has shifted that expectation in the mind of much of the public. And in its place is now a reservation of trust and skepticism (which paradoxically promotes more dependency in spite of the intention to avoid it).

Our goal as health-centered dentists should be to reduce Caretaking behavior as much as possible, as dependency in many cases it is a learned behavior which can be changed via a truly helping relationship.

So how can we tell how each particular relationship is trending? Hints:

-Caretaking (dependency) tends to be stressful, where Caregiving tends to be energizing.

-Caretaking (dependency) violates interpersonal boundaries, where Caregiving tends to respect them.

-Caretaking (dependency) tends to attract needy people who do not value collaborative relationships very highly.

-Caregiving tends to attract more health-oriented  people who are more willing to listen, learn, grow, and change IF they perceive what they are learning is in their best interest.

-Caretakers tend to start fixing problems (or selling the need for immediate fixing) when problems arise which tends to create or maintain dependency. On the other hand, Caregivers tend to respectfully wait to be asked for help while facilitating awareness of the need for it, and thus encourage self-responsibility, growth, and ownership where appropriate.

With this in mind, consider the patients you would rather avoid, and I’ll bet you are in a Caretaking relationship with them. Conversely, consider the patient’s you most enjoy being around, and I’ll bet you are in a caregiving, co-equal, and mutually respectful relationship with them.

Clearly, there will always be patients with whom we will always be in a dependency/caretaking relationship due to their physical or mental disability, but we do have a choice regarding the others; we do have a choice regarding whether or not we we will maintain our co-dependency relationship with them.

The toughest question to ask ourselves: Do we maintain too many co-dependency relationships because they benefit us financially, or emotionally? If the candid answer is “yes”, then it may be ourselves refusing to grow and develop; it may be ourselves lacking in the courage to challenge the status quo and move forward toward greater health.

Paul A Henny DDS

Thought Experiments LLC, ©2017

Read more at www.codiscovery.com

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

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When we fail to establish successful health-centered, and collaborative working relationships with our patients, the default relationship is always self-serving, in the sense that we are both working off of assumptions rather than a calibrated and shared view of a situation.

And functioning off of assumptions means that instead of understanding the other person’s perspective, values, feelings, priorities, and current circumstances, we insert our own perspective, values, feelings, and priorities.

In other words, we insert our biases to support our intentions and agendas, while the patient commonly does the same thing.

To quote the Captain in the legendary film Cool Hand Luke, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

And when the quality of communication is low, and the subsequent thinking is fogged by -often distorted- personal agendas, decisions typically revolve around the lowest commonly understood denominators.

Like money.

Like insurance coverage.

Like discounts.

And not about quality.

And not about health.

And not about negative trends clearly impacting health.

So that is how we get to the discussion place of, “Does my insurance cover this?”; instead of, “I understand- can you help me find a way that I can afford to do this? It’s important to me.”

And that is how many decisions are made which are not in a patient’s long-term best interest.

“Yes ma’am, you have fender coverage for your car – would you like us to fix it for you?”

Paul A Henny, DDS

Thought Experiments LLC, ©2017

Learn more at www.codiscovery.com

Perception is Reality to Many

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Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of dentistry, and life in general, is that things are often not what they appear to be – particularly in the beginning.

And this truth naturally includes our perception of others and their intentions and agendas. Studies tell us that we form opinions about others within the first eight seconds of first meeting them, from there, we seek to confirm our initial perception.

In other words, we use confirmation bias to color in the details around our initial psychological sketch to then draw a conclusion which is likely to be in alignment with way we want to see things.

And that is an elaborate way of saying that we use rationalizations to explain the world around us to ourselves more often than we use our self-discipline and resourcefulness to uncover the real truth – particularly with regard to how OTHERS perceive it.

New patients who come to us full of memories, assumptions, and biases as well. So, the formation of a new relationship with a person is much like a dance with a stranger and somewhat forced together by circumstance. And that dance may be harmonious because what they are expecting is what is happening, or it may be an uncomfortable and even threatening herky-jerky experience…an experience that they can not wait to end.

The goal for us then, is to facilitate the former and avoid the later, as the later is counter-productive with regard to successful collaboration.

In other words, if the very nature of our relationship with another person is uncomfortable, what is the likelihood of them making good decisions for themselves? And what therefore is the likelihood of that person making a decision which leads toward a higher level of health and a lower level of putting their health at risk?

How do we do that?

One word – marketing.

Marketing? The manipulative vehicle which is the very scourge of our capitalistic society?

Yep – that marketing.

You see, marketing has nothing to do with ethics, although it may or may not be ethical. It may lead a person toward a good choice or a bad choice. And that is because marketing is about image and expectation management.

In the world of dentistry, we have thousands of opportunities to create images and shape expectations. We also have thousands of opportunities to ignore those opportunities or even to undercut them.

So yes, dentistry’s perception problem is of our own making, and therefore only ours to solve.

And because we – collectively speaking – have failed so miserably at conveying a health-centered message about dentistry ( instead we convey that it is about things – implants, teeth cleaning, saving money, veneers, etc.) that most people fail to perceive dentistry as having much of anything to do with their total health.

As Pogo infamously said, “I have met the enemy and the enemy is us.”

We can change the direction of our profession as it careens toward corporate consolidation and depersonalizations only by changing the public’s perception of it.

And that is what co-discovery can do. Bob Barkley had that figured out fifty years ago. Why didn’t we listen?

Paul A Henny, DDS

Thought Experiments LLC, ©2016

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